And then the tables turned

I'm feeling really bad about something that happened over the weekend. I went to a party at BC with some friends, stereotypical college kid stuff. I do that once in a while. But this time, at the beginning of the night, I hung out with Leah's boyfriend's roommate for a bit, this really shy and awkward guy. I thought we were  just talking, he seemed like someone I could be friends with. Apparently it was surprising that he was even talking to me, because he doesn't usually talk to people unless he knows them well. So that happened, and I didn't really think anything of it. We played a game kind of like beer pong together, and sometime after that Leah pulled me aside. She told me that he said he'd been hitting on me all night, which was completely news to me. I told her that I wasn't attracted to him that way, and returned to the party. I've always thought that dating someone more awkward and quiet than I am would be a problem, so it wasn't going to happen.

I don't think I really talked to him for the rest of the night, but apparently he saw when I was with a sleazy Northeastern freshman. At the beginning of the night, that kid seemed really annoying, loudly wondering what we Emerson kids would do with our majors. By the point that I was talking to him, though, I was too lazy to go anywhere to avoid him. I don't really remember that much of what we talked about, just that he had his arm around me, and I couldn't decide how I felt about it since I wasn't attracted to him either. Leah got me away from the Northeastern kid, and sent my friends and I back to campus because it was really late. She later said that it was because the Northeastern kid looked like he was about to kiss me. I'm glad she didn't let that happen, I already have one thing to regret from that night.

I'm such an asshole. I never wanted to be that person. I don't really know how much it affected him, but I still feel like a jerk. I didn't mean to break that guy's heart, especially since I know how much that sucks. Next time, I won't be such a dumbass. It probably is better to actually hear in words that someone isn't interested than to just witness them hanging out with a different guy. Granted, my judgment was way off by that point, but it doesn't excuse what I did.

Lots of Thoughts

Spring break was a fantastic escape from everything, but now that I'm in my second week back, I just can't get back into things. I have lots and lots of hope that next semester will be super awesome because my advisor essentially guaranteed that he'd let me into two design classes. But this semester? It can end now, that would be lovely. This weekend I went home, largely because my only option on St. Patrick's day was a Texas Cowboy church party that I'd been half-heartedly invited to by the few friends who weren't busy. I appreciated the gesture, sure, but I'm not about to hang out with the "praise Jesus!" crowd when I should be embracing my Irish heritage. I feel like I'm hiding when I'm with that group, since only my one close friend who is part of that wouldn't disown me for swearing or admitting that I don't share their religious views.

It's been said to me that all the crappy events that happened at the beginning set a tone for the whole semester, and I guess I believe that that's true. Even though said bad things specifically have no real hold on my life anymore, as I've overcome them, there's still this sense of disillusionment about life that I just don't like. I probably did spend a lot of time in this happy little bubble of how I thought life and people were essentially good, and I hadn't even realized that until I suddenly didn't think that way anymore. Sometimes I still am genuinely happy, but otherwise there's a lot of that "bleh" feeling.

I've got plenty of good things this last half-semester, and I really should just stay focused on that. I don't understand how that's been difficult. I actually have time to go to the clubs that I had to skip for two whole months. I'm not obligated to work on any shows, because the timing didn't work out. Since the weather's so great, I've been able to get a walk into my schedule nearly every day, and that seems to improve my sanity somehow. I've got a month and a half left; my last final is April 30th. I can get through these boring classes with their druggy airheaded people, and everything will be okay again next semester. I'm looking forward to the day when my pothead suitemate moves out, because I know I'll still be here then. I'm staying on campus for a few extra days, because of my orientation training. But somehow, despite all of that, all I want to do is make art and not write anything related to my lit class, because that professor dislikes me solely because I'm not a Writing, Literature, and Publishing major like the rest of the class.

I've caught myself thinking, "I miss the way things used to be," but I'm not even sure anymore if that refers to last semester, or before I was even in college.