I feel like I'm in a rut with my life right now. Something's missing, but I don't really know what, or how to explain it. I'm searching, searching for...meaning, maybe, and yet that's not exactly the right word. I don't fit in here, but I don't stick out either. I've felt different this semester, different in some unknown way. Maybe this is just the beginning of some kind of transformation. After this, I might be more certain of what I want out of life. Or maybe I'm just being weird and none of this even matters. I don't know. I'm bored of the routines in my life here, but I shouldn't be bored because I've been back for less than a month. I like the friends that I have here, but I'm not even sure what we have in common. I'll never feel comfortable in an Emerson Christian Fellowship meeting; I tagged along once because that's where all of my friends were going. Nope, I still have my same essential absence of religious beliefs. Tried that. Sometimes I question why I even want to be an artist. Everyone's so deep with their ideas here, and I'm like "this is what I think, I don't know if it symbolizes anything."Maybe my problem is that I barely have any time to create things, and when I do I'm not creating for myself anymore. I'm creating for shows, or for class. I haven't opened my sketchbook since I've been back; I've barely had time, let alone inspiration. Maybe I just don't know what to say.
I'm starting to sound like every other hipster who goes here. And yet, I think that I'm probably not losing myself. Maybe I'm finding myself. Everything's so strange in my mind.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
This semester
is going to be insane, but hopefully it's worth it! The costume designer for our Shakespeare Society convinced me to interview to be her assistant, so I did, and I didn't think that I got it because they told me that I would have heard back that night. I didn't find out until last night, after having panicked about how much homework I have. So there's that. I'm only on for the first show, but I think I'd just stay on for the rest of the semester if things work out. It's awesome that I got it, because none of the student groups really wanted me last semester. Since I'm not in a BFA program, there's a lot more for me to prove. We also have these lovely things called crew assignments, which basically says that the college will decide which show a freshman has to sell their soul to. Mine's the entire second half of February, conveniently timed with three group projects. Yay! I've already decided that I'll have to drop out of the school's fashion show, because it's in April and I don't think I get free time again until March. I can't make 5-7 outfits in a month, especially when there's homework going on.
...I really hope that I'll stop doubting my choice of major soon. It's not like I have any idea what else I'd study, so I'd better just get over that.
...I really hope that I'll stop doubting my choice of major soon. It's not like I have any idea what else I'd study, so I'd better just get over that.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Post-Arisia Thoughts
I'm not usually the type to write stuff like this, but then again I never have this kind of stuff to write about. It's just a bunch of shit I'd love to say to the guy I spent most of the weekend with, having met him once six months before that. It's not important, just pisses me off.
Dear Guy,
You broke my heart in the span of a week. You hung out with my friends and told them how much you liked me, and yet yesterday you told me you met someone new. Who the fuck does that? You took advantage of the fact that I was several years younger and more innocent, and I believed you. At 18 years old, I would have expected that I, not you, would be the less mature one in that relationship. I'd never understood the game Dominion until you made me play it with you, and you know what? I didn't tell you, but I thought it fucking sucked. Sure, you learned how to play Cosmic so you could spend time with me, but for what? Maybe I wasn't sure I liked you until the end of the con, but that shouldn't be all it took to drive you away. If you'd actually cared, you would have tried harder than that. Fuck you. You didn't even go to college, so I'm going to go make something of myself now while you continue performing on street corners.
Dear Guy,
You broke my heart in the span of a week. You hung out with my friends and told them how much you liked me, and yet yesterday you told me you met someone new. Who the fuck does that? You took advantage of the fact that I was several years younger and more innocent, and I believed you. At 18 years old, I would have expected that I, not you, would be the less mature one in that relationship. I'd never understood the game Dominion until you made me play it with you, and you know what? I didn't tell you, but I thought it fucking sucked. Sure, you learned how to play Cosmic so you could spend time with me, but for what? Maybe I wasn't sure I liked you until the end of the con, but that shouldn't be all it took to drive you away. If you'd actually cared, you would have tried harder than that. Fuck you. You didn't even go to college, so I'm going to go make something of myself now while you continue performing on street corners.
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