Lots of Thoughts

Spring break was a fantastic escape from everything, but now that I'm in my second week back, I just can't get back into things. I have lots and lots of hope that next semester will be super awesome because my advisor essentially guaranteed that he'd let me into two design classes. But this semester? It can end now, that would be lovely. This weekend I went home, largely because my only option on St. Patrick's day was a Texas Cowboy church party that I'd been half-heartedly invited to by the few friends who weren't busy. I appreciated the gesture, sure, but I'm not about to hang out with the "praise Jesus!" crowd when I should be embracing my Irish heritage. I feel like I'm hiding when I'm with that group, since only my one close friend who is part of that wouldn't disown me for swearing or admitting that I don't share their religious views.

It's been said to me that all the crappy events that happened at the beginning set a tone for the whole semester, and I guess I believe that that's true. Even though said bad things specifically have no real hold on my life anymore, as I've overcome them, there's still this sense of disillusionment about life that I just don't like. I probably did spend a lot of time in this happy little bubble of how I thought life and people were essentially good, and I hadn't even realized that until I suddenly didn't think that way anymore. Sometimes I still am genuinely happy, but otherwise there's a lot of that "bleh" feeling.

I've got plenty of good things this last half-semester, and I really should just stay focused on that. I don't understand how that's been difficult. I actually have time to go to the clubs that I had to skip for two whole months. I'm not obligated to work on any shows, because the timing didn't work out. Since the weather's so great, I've been able to get a walk into my schedule nearly every day, and that seems to improve my sanity somehow. I've got a month and a half left; my last final is April 30th. I can get through these boring classes with their druggy airheaded people, and everything will be okay again next semester. I'm looking forward to the day when my pothead suitemate moves out, because I know I'll still be here then. I'm staying on campus for a few extra days, because of my orientation training. But somehow, despite all of that, all I want to do is make art and not write anything related to my lit class, because that professor dislikes me solely because I'm not a Writing, Literature, and Publishing major like the rest of the class.

I've caught myself thinking, "I miss the way things used to be," but I'm not even sure anymore if that refers to last semester, or before I was even in college.

Oh my gosh

This week has been a problem. So I already went over some of the stuff I've heard since I've been there; I feel like I'm losing brain cells by the second. Everyone else on the costume crew is either a musical theatre major or a BFA actor, so they're basically this huge clique that looks down on people like me. There's a BFA design freshman who's technically in charge of us, and she's sometimes nice but mostly hangs out with the actors. I guess it's a BFA thing? I'm really beginning to realize that I'm not friends with acting majors, and I remember why. The majority of them are completely obsessed with themselves, and only seem to have things in common with other people who are obsessed with themselves. I think the major difference between drama club and being here is that these people take everything way too seriously. I mean, they're not all bitches, but a lot of them act that way. And the ones who don't are still friends with the super bitchy ones, so they don't even really talk to me much either. This weekend is going to be very lonely, since I'm there for seven hours today and twelve the next two. Then, I can have a life again and everything will be beautiful...but I still have that problem about the theatre here.

Things overheard during crew (the more finished version)

"Did you know that they're sending our recycling to Jupiter? Yeah, it's made of gas, so when they send things out there, the gas like hides it. They're just taking all the money we spend on recycling."

"He's Mormon, but he's secretly gay..."

"Oh my god, you watch Dance Moms too?!?!"

"The first time I took ecstasy, I just sat there and rubbed my butt against the wall for like two hours."

"I can't wait to go home, because I can get pot for 80 bucks!"

"There's a kid somewhere who is allergic to everything except tic-tacs."
-"How does he live?"
-"He's not doing a very good job of it..."

"They have to let us leave at 11, because that's when the building closes!" (We'd been let out at like 11:20 for three consecutive days, did she not notice?)

"Ew, I can't help them strike the set. I'm an actor. I'm not built for this."

Also, sometimes, instead of talking they just sing their conversations.

Don't get me wrong, a few of them were actually okay. But most of them...how the hell are they in college?

Here goes...my sanity?

Today marks the first of my ten days of hell. As in, crew assignment. That whole selling-my-soul-to-a-show thing. Freshman minion, that's me! Today, I'm there for five hours. That's the minimum commitment for this schedule, sometimes I'll have to be there for thirteen hours straight. I don't know yet if they decided to put me on costume crew. I have three essays due tomorrow, which I haven't had time to do because I spent my week prepping a discussion for an earlier meeting of the same class. Goodbye friends and sanity, hello stress! I met this awesome guy last weekend, and we've been talking all week, but if he asks me to hang out I'm not sure when that can happen. I haven't told him that the reason we met is because I was out with my friends for one last exciting weekend before letting this show steal my life until right before spring break. Anyway, I've got like three hours to do my homework, I'd better make it count! Hopefully my suitemate shuts up soon, I can't stand hearing "oh my gahhhhd, what the fahck" one more time right now.

FFFFUUUU--

A few hours ago, everything reeked of pot. My obnoxious suitemate was blabbering on about how the "fucking idiots" on this floor would never figure out that it was her, and going on and on about rolling and smoking joints in her room. I wish I had had a tape recorder, so I could hold onto it for proof the next time the RAs get suspicious. Did last semester teach us nothing? At least I can say that my time with her is more than halfway over. We haven't had to submit housing applications yet, but I know who I'm living with next year, and I'm extremely excited to get away from her.

Crisis Averted

I was the second assistant costume designer for a club production of Julius Caesar. I guess that second assistant would have meant that I was the lesser of two assistants, since we were both listed as working directly under my costume designer friend who's a sophomore. I'd never met the other girl. Then, in the middle of the week, I found out that my friend, Elvira, had to step down as head designer because the show was going up in two weeks, and she was too busy. Two weeks also put it at the very beginning of my theatre crew assignment, so I wouldn't even be able to help at the performances. I was worried that I wouldn't be allowed to help with this one at all. Also, since I was now working under a stranger, I wasn't sure what she'd be like. I was still told that I should go to the production meeting, and see if it wouldn't be too much of a commitment.

Yesterday was the day of the meeting. Luckily, it turns out that the new designer, Sarah, is completely awesome and understanding. We're the same major, except that she's a year ahead of me and trying to switch into the more competitive program. Her design ideas are kind of similar to mine, so that's cool. Somehow it came up that she cosplays and goes to the cons that I've been to, so we geeked out for a bit and agreed that everything was going to work out just fine between us. I've finally found a fellow geek at my school!

After Creative Presentations

I feel like I'm in a rut with my life right now. Something's missing, but I don't really know what, or how to explain it. I'm searching, searching for...meaning, maybe, and yet that's not exactly the right word. I don't fit in here, but I don't stick out either. I've felt different this semester, different in some unknown way. Maybe this is just the beginning of some kind of transformation. After this, I might be more certain of what I want out of life. Or maybe I'm just being weird and none of this even matters. I don't know. I'm bored of the routines in my life here, but I shouldn't be bored because I've been back for less than a month. I like the friends that I have here, but I'm not even sure what we have in common. I'll never feel comfortable in an Emerson Christian Fellowship meeting; I tagged along once because that's where all of my friends were going. Nope, I still have my same essential absence of religious beliefs. Tried that. Sometimes I question why I even want to be an artist. Everyone's so deep with their ideas here, and I'm like "this is what I think, I don't know if it symbolizes anything."Maybe my problem is that I barely have any time to create things, and when I do I'm not creating for myself anymore. I'm creating for shows, or for class. I haven't opened my sketchbook since I've been back; I've barely had time, let alone inspiration. Maybe I just don't know what to say.


I'm starting to sound like every other hipster who goes here. And yet, I think that I'm probably not losing myself. Maybe I'm finding myself. Everything's so strange in my mind.