Life stuff! Yay!

I've finally come out of my little funk involving what the hell I want to do after college, and I feel awesome. For  a while I'd been toying with the idea of declaring a minor in either business or marketing, and then I came up with the idea of what kind of company I'd like to create. It's a new kind of clothing company, stemming from a recent design movement that I'd like to bring into the mainstream. I hope that that can actually happen! I won't go into much detail about that here, since I'm slightly paranoid that someone could see this blog and take my ideas. Anyway, at my school, there's a program called E3 that runs for a full year, and it's an entrepreneurial minor. At the end of that year, students pitch their businesses to people who can fund them, and a few of them get their startup that way. If I'm still going with this business idea when I'm a senior, it'll be time to double-minor and see if that works out! For now I'm just planning to sign up for Principles of Business as soon as I can, which is the beginning class for both of those minors. Wheee!

Eight Days Until Opening Night!

Has anyone seen that movie The Devil Wears Prada? I'm fairly certain that my life has become a less extreme version of that. I like being the errand girl for the show because it's just going out to take a walk and do some shopping. In some cases, that's awesome! But if you don't find the right thing, or if only three of the vests actually shipped, all hell breaks loose. I'm completely serious. One would think that maybe the vests could have been ordered a week or so earlier to allow for a buffer, but we're showing the director everything tomorrow and they're not here. I asked the man at the store what he could do, and he said that he could get one from a local store by Friday at the earliest. Although I knew that the designer would have my head for that one, vests can't just pop out of the ground! Even if they could, I doubt that they would just happen to match the other three. When I got back to the costume shop, I was bitched out because apparently I'm just supposed to "make it happen" despite the fact that shipping takes time. And then I was handed some money and told to find a strapless bra, which the stores conveniently didn't have. I bought the one that wasn't returnable, because it was the best that I could find. Of course it wasn't exactly right after all. At least this part will be over in a couple of days!

A Realization

I don't think I want to be a costume designer after all. At least, not now. Maybe, in a while, I'll change my mind, but I'm realizing that there are a lot of differences between the other costume design students and me. I don't jump at the opportunity to work on three or more shows per semester; that scares the crap out of me! I need time to do my homework, and now that my homework is design-related, I'd like to focus my extra-curricular attention to things outside of theatre. There's this expectation that, being a design major, I should interview for every student production, and have a job in the costume shop or the craft room. In high school, I had enough time to get all of that design stuff done, but now, it seems like I'm always missing out on hanging out with my friends because I was working on the show. Only a few of the theatre people here even talk to me; my friends are all writers, marketing majors, and film majors. I feel like that says something about my true place in the world, and I liked theatre so much more before I got into this pre-professional stuff.

I'm not blaming this realization on just the one bad experience that I'm currently having. As I said in my post a while ago, the designers that I'm currently working with are people who don't particularly like me. It's not easy, running around to keep on top of paperwork that changes every five seconds, and then not having everything listed because we don't have clothes for every costume. I can't guess for either of those things, as people's roles change fairly often, and yet it seems that that's the source for everyone treating me like I'm slow. Yes, it does take time to type something out, and I can't write while I'm adding rows to an Excel document. I respect the fact that everyone's tired and cranky because we kept working instead of eating lunch, but it's not like I'm better off than that, either. As of tomorrow, I'll be free in two weeks!

After those two weeks are up, I'm not sure what I'll be doing. Maybe it's time to figure out a minor in something unrelated to theatre, since I have to major in that for the sewing classes. Marketing could be a good idea, if I'm going to pursue the idea of just making stuff and selling it for a while. I'm going to send my resume to a designer in the grade above me, who's been running a business for a few years already. Working for her would be very flexible, as it's just sewing work to help her get stuff done for the orders. I might also see if the craft room wants me to do stuff, but I'm not sure how that will work halfway through the semester. I'm just not free during shop hours until this show is over. I'd like to get more involved with film, either as a designer or an actor. I'm not picky about that! The only thing that matters in the next two weeks is survival. I want to get my work done for the show without failing my midterms or having an emotional breakdown in front of everyone, and I'm going to fight for that.

Sophomore Year So Far

I feel like I have a lot to say, so here's everything, in chronological order (hopefully). 

Being an orientation leader was amazing. For four days, we did all kinds of training exercises, and it was like being in a tiny version of my school because there were about 170 of us, all representing different majors. I met a lot of new people, but I think it was mostly good for strengthening my relationships with acquaintances. This included one of my suitemates, who had been brought into our group by a mutual friend.We had a little conclusion-of-orientation celebration today, so that's officially over.

I've met with all of my classes once at this point, and I'm pretty sure I don't have any classes that I dislike. The first one was psychology, which I was skeptical about because it's a gen ed requirement, but the teacher seems like a pretty cool guy. The only person I knew in that class was some guy that I vaguely remember from my first-semester freshman writing class, but I don't really mind. Then, there was World Drama. Having seen the syllabus for that, I was concerned that the professor would be really strict and awful because there's tons of homework. On the contrary, he's just a guy who's not quite fully qualified as a professor yet, and he's missing the next few classes because he's getting married. Someone else is taking over, though, so I only get out of class once. On the second day of classes, I had History of Fashion and Decor, followed by Costume Design 1. Super exciting! They'll be pretty challenging, probably, but I'm looking forward to them. Neither one is a sewing class, but they'll be very helpful when I'm actually costuming a show.

I do have one show, which is being performed from October 18-21. Midterm week is tech week, oh boy! It's Grapes of Wrath, and I'm second assistant costume designer/wardrobe assistant. The starting point. I'm okay with that, at least I've made it to that starting point! I've never gotten the impression that either of the other designers like me, but maybe that will change with this project. They haven't needed me yet. I think my main task is something like "supervise the freshmen on the costume crew." I was on costume crew last semester, so I can deal with that. 

My living situation is about 12536456897 times better than it was last year, due to the absence of a certain pothead suitemate. I'm friends with everyone who lives in my suite, and that's great. At the same time, life can be a little frustrating.  I love them all, but they're so busy all the time! I'm only busy on a show-by-show basis, but I don't sign on to every show ever because I'd never have time to sleep. And they're always talking about joining sororities and getting jobs, which I think I couldn't handle while I have a show. The only reason why I could ever see myself joining a sorority would be if that's where all of my friends were, because I'd join out of loneliness. Sometimes, it's very lonely around here. Other times, people make plans to go out and do cool and interesting things, only to bail out because they're too tired. But I'm not tired; I want to have a life outside of this white box that I live in. I've done what I can to make it less blah, but it's still just a white box of a room. I'm sick of just sitting around watching movies every weekend, because that's all that anyone ever wants to do. Maybe I just need to train myself to do homework in places that aren't my room, because i think that spending too much time in my room last semester kept me feeling depressed for a longer time than I should have been. I'm determined to stay away from that unfortunate mindset from last semester, so I need to distract myself any time I think that it's coming back to me.

I'm done with everything! :D

I have to go to two of my classes tomorrow, but they're not really finals in the general sense of the word. I just have to discuss what was learned in class, and watch other people do presentations. My giant research paper of doom was turned in on Friday. I really, really hope that that teacher does not think I just wrote a bunch of fluff, especially when my concept was partially her idea. The thing was for my literature class, and we had to make some sort of connection between one novel and two short works from the class. So, being all fashion-minded and stuff, I mentioned that I always end up visualizing what the characters wear in the stories. This caused my paper to be about creating a "signature look" for each of the three heroines of the stories I chose. No one else did anything like that, and my paper had three extra pages, because I scanned the costume renderings from my sketchbook to give a visual aid for what I discussed. It was actually pretty fun, in the end. Just stressful. If she doesn't like my writing style, I'm pretty much screwed, but hopefully the unusual aspect of my topic will help.

The sad part is that that's the closest I've come to costume designing all year.

I get to go home on Friday, so I'll probably be spending my time saying goodbye to people in between watching all the episodes of TV in the world. But yeah. Semester of suck has been conquered. At least it was better for the last few weeks!

Bright New Day

It's taken me this long to be able to tell myself, "you had a lot of fuck-ups this semester. So what?" When it came to a point where I couldn't decide why I wasn't happy, I realized I could give it up. Some of the events were my fault. Some of them weren't. I've learned from my mistakes. I'm not going to let them influence me so much anymore. I probably should have made more of an effort in the classes I didn't like; I've always struggled with that, and apparently it didn't improve in college. Maybe I should have limited my alcohol intake that one night. Withdrawing into my room probably wasn't the best way to overcome things. Someday, a guy won't flake out about me, like all the guys from this semester.

 A lot of things haven't gone my way lately, but everything for next semester seems awesome so far. I'm living in the building I wanted, in a single, sharing a suite with five close friends. All of my classes are things I wanted to take, as opposed to just one this semester. I'm starting class at noon every day, and don't have class on Fridays. I know plenty of people whose classes and/or housing got completely screwed up for next year; I'm one of the lucky ones. In three more weeks, I'll never have to be woken up by the loud TMI complaints of my pothead suitemate. I'm pretty sure 4/20 will be hell at this school, but hey, at least it'll be a good story!

Last weekend I decided that I could just stop stressing about all that, and focus on not getting too overwhelmed by final projects. I feel so much better now.

And then the tables turned

I'm feeling really bad about something that happened over the weekend. I went to a party at BC with some friends, stereotypical college kid stuff. I do that once in a while. But this time, at the beginning of the night, I hung out with Leah's boyfriend's roommate for a bit, this really shy and awkward guy. I thought we were  just talking, he seemed like someone I could be friends with. Apparently it was surprising that he was even talking to me, because he doesn't usually talk to people unless he knows them well. So that happened, and I didn't really think anything of it. We played a game kind of like beer pong together, and sometime after that Leah pulled me aside. She told me that he said he'd been hitting on me all night, which was completely news to me. I told her that I wasn't attracted to him that way, and returned to the party. I've always thought that dating someone more awkward and quiet than I am would be a problem, so it wasn't going to happen.

I don't think I really talked to him for the rest of the night, but apparently he saw when I was with a sleazy Northeastern freshman. At the beginning of the night, that kid seemed really annoying, loudly wondering what we Emerson kids would do with our majors. By the point that I was talking to him, though, I was too lazy to go anywhere to avoid him. I don't really remember that much of what we talked about, just that he had his arm around me, and I couldn't decide how I felt about it since I wasn't attracted to him either. Leah got me away from the Northeastern kid, and sent my friends and I back to campus because it was really late. She later said that it was because the Northeastern kid looked like he was about to kiss me. I'm glad she didn't let that happen, I already have one thing to regret from that night.

I'm such an asshole. I never wanted to be that person. I don't really know how much it affected him, but I still feel like a jerk. I didn't mean to break that guy's heart, especially since I know how much that sucks. Next time, I won't be such a dumbass. It probably is better to actually hear in words that someone isn't interested than to just witness them hanging out with a different guy. Granted, my judgment was way off by that point, but it doesn't excuse what I did.

Lots of Thoughts

Spring break was a fantastic escape from everything, but now that I'm in my second week back, I just can't get back into things. I have lots and lots of hope that next semester will be super awesome because my advisor essentially guaranteed that he'd let me into two design classes. But this semester? It can end now, that would be lovely. This weekend I went home, largely because my only option on St. Patrick's day was a Texas Cowboy church party that I'd been half-heartedly invited to by the few friends who weren't busy. I appreciated the gesture, sure, but I'm not about to hang out with the "praise Jesus!" crowd when I should be embracing my Irish heritage. I feel like I'm hiding when I'm with that group, since only my one close friend who is part of that wouldn't disown me for swearing or admitting that I don't share their religious views.

It's been said to me that all the crappy events that happened at the beginning set a tone for the whole semester, and I guess I believe that that's true. Even though said bad things specifically have no real hold on my life anymore, as I've overcome them, there's still this sense of disillusionment about life that I just don't like. I probably did spend a lot of time in this happy little bubble of how I thought life and people were essentially good, and I hadn't even realized that until I suddenly didn't think that way anymore. Sometimes I still am genuinely happy, but otherwise there's a lot of that "bleh" feeling.

I've got plenty of good things this last half-semester, and I really should just stay focused on that. I don't understand how that's been difficult. I actually have time to go to the clubs that I had to skip for two whole months. I'm not obligated to work on any shows, because the timing didn't work out. Since the weather's so great, I've been able to get a walk into my schedule nearly every day, and that seems to improve my sanity somehow. I've got a month and a half left; my last final is April 30th. I can get through these boring classes with their druggy airheaded people, and everything will be okay again next semester. I'm looking forward to the day when my pothead suitemate moves out, because I know I'll still be here then. I'm staying on campus for a few extra days, because of my orientation training. But somehow, despite all of that, all I want to do is make art and not write anything related to my lit class, because that professor dislikes me solely because I'm not a Writing, Literature, and Publishing major like the rest of the class.

I've caught myself thinking, "I miss the way things used to be," but I'm not even sure anymore if that refers to last semester, or before I was even in college.

Oh my gosh

This week has been a problem. So I already went over some of the stuff I've heard since I've been there; I feel like I'm losing brain cells by the second. Everyone else on the costume crew is either a musical theatre major or a BFA actor, so they're basically this huge clique that looks down on people like me. There's a BFA design freshman who's technically in charge of us, and she's sometimes nice but mostly hangs out with the actors. I guess it's a BFA thing? I'm really beginning to realize that I'm not friends with acting majors, and I remember why. The majority of them are completely obsessed with themselves, and only seem to have things in common with other people who are obsessed with themselves. I think the major difference between drama club and being here is that these people take everything way too seriously. I mean, they're not all bitches, but a lot of them act that way. And the ones who don't are still friends with the super bitchy ones, so they don't even really talk to me much either. This weekend is going to be very lonely, since I'm there for seven hours today and twelve the next two. Then, I can have a life again and everything will be beautiful...but I still have that problem about the theatre here.

Things overheard during crew (the more finished version)

"Did you know that they're sending our recycling to Jupiter? Yeah, it's made of gas, so when they send things out there, the gas like hides it. They're just taking all the money we spend on recycling."

"He's Mormon, but he's secretly gay..."

"Oh my god, you watch Dance Moms too?!?!"

"The first time I took ecstasy, I just sat there and rubbed my butt against the wall for like two hours."

"I can't wait to go home, because I can get pot for 80 bucks!"

"There's a kid somewhere who is allergic to everything except tic-tacs."
-"How does he live?"
-"He's not doing a very good job of it..."

"They have to let us leave at 11, because that's when the building closes!" (We'd been let out at like 11:20 for three consecutive days, did she not notice?)

"Ew, I can't help them strike the set. I'm an actor. I'm not built for this."

Also, sometimes, instead of talking they just sing their conversations.

Don't get me wrong, a few of them were actually okay. But most of them...how the hell are they in college?

Here goes...my sanity?

Today marks the first of my ten days of hell. As in, crew assignment. That whole selling-my-soul-to-a-show thing. Freshman minion, that's me! Today, I'm there for five hours. That's the minimum commitment for this schedule, sometimes I'll have to be there for thirteen hours straight. I don't know yet if they decided to put me on costume crew. I have three essays due tomorrow, which I haven't had time to do because I spent my week prepping a discussion for an earlier meeting of the same class. Goodbye friends and sanity, hello stress! I met this awesome guy last weekend, and we've been talking all week, but if he asks me to hang out I'm not sure when that can happen. I haven't told him that the reason we met is because I was out with my friends for one last exciting weekend before letting this show steal my life until right before spring break. Anyway, I've got like three hours to do my homework, I'd better make it count! Hopefully my suitemate shuts up soon, I can't stand hearing "oh my gahhhhd, what the fahck" one more time right now.

FFFFUUUU--

A few hours ago, everything reeked of pot. My obnoxious suitemate was blabbering on about how the "fucking idiots" on this floor would never figure out that it was her, and going on and on about rolling and smoking joints in her room. I wish I had had a tape recorder, so I could hold onto it for proof the next time the RAs get suspicious. Did last semester teach us nothing? At least I can say that my time with her is more than halfway over. We haven't had to submit housing applications yet, but I know who I'm living with next year, and I'm extremely excited to get away from her.

Crisis Averted

I was the second assistant costume designer for a club production of Julius Caesar. I guess that second assistant would have meant that I was the lesser of two assistants, since we were both listed as working directly under my costume designer friend who's a sophomore. I'd never met the other girl. Then, in the middle of the week, I found out that my friend, Elvira, had to step down as head designer because the show was going up in two weeks, and she was too busy. Two weeks also put it at the very beginning of my theatre crew assignment, so I wouldn't even be able to help at the performances. I was worried that I wouldn't be allowed to help with this one at all. Also, since I was now working under a stranger, I wasn't sure what she'd be like. I was still told that I should go to the production meeting, and see if it wouldn't be too much of a commitment.

Yesterday was the day of the meeting. Luckily, it turns out that the new designer, Sarah, is completely awesome and understanding. We're the same major, except that she's a year ahead of me and trying to switch into the more competitive program. Her design ideas are kind of similar to mine, so that's cool. Somehow it came up that she cosplays and goes to the cons that I've been to, so we geeked out for a bit and agreed that everything was going to work out just fine between us. I've finally found a fellow geek at my school!

After Creative Presentations

I feel like I'm in a rut with my life right now. Something's missing, but I don't really know what, or how to explain it. I'm searching, searching for...meaning, maybe, and yet that's not exactly the right word. I don't fit in here, but I don't stick out either. I've felt different this semester, different in some unknown way. Maybe this is just the beginning of some kind of transformation. After this, I might be more certain of what I want out of life. Or maybe I'm just being weird and none of this even matters. I don't know. I'm bored of the routines in my life here, but I shouldn't be bored because I've been back for less than a month. I like the friends that I have here, but I'm not even sure what we have in common. I'll never feel comfortable in an Emerson Christian Fellowship meeting; I tagged along once because that's where all of my friends were going. Nope, I still have my same essential absence of religious beliefs. Tried that. Sometimes I question why I even want to be an artist. Everyone's so deep with their ideas here, and I'm like "this is what I think, I don't know if it symbolizes anything."Maybe my problem is that I barely have any time to create things, and when I do I'm not creating for myself anymore. I'm creating for shows, or for class. I haven't opened my sketchbook since I've been back; I've barely had time, let alone inspiration. Maybe I just don't know what to say.


I'm starting to sound like every other hipster who goes here. And yet, I think that I'm probably not losing myself. Maybe I'm finding myself. Everything's so strange in my mind.

This semester

is going to be insane, but hopefully it's worth it! The costume designer for our Shakespeare Society convinced me to interview to be her assistant, so I did, and I didn't think that I got it because they told me that I would have heard back that night. I didn't find out until last night, after having panicked about how much homework I have. So there's that. I'm only on for the first show,  but I think I'd just stay on for the rest of the semester if things work out. It's awesome that I got it, because none of the student groups really wanted me last semester. Since I'm not in a BFA program, there's a lot more for me to prove. We also have these lovely things called crew assignments, which basically says that the college will decide which show a freshman has to sell their soul to. Mine's the entire second half of February, conveniently timed with three group projects. Yay! I've already decided that I'll have to drop out of the school's fashion show, because it's in April and I don't think I get free time again until March. I can't make 5-7 outfits in a month, especially when there's homework going on.

...I really hope that I'll stop doubting my choice of major soon. It's not like I have any idea what else I'd study, so I'd better just get over that.

Post-Arisia Thoughts

I'm not usually the type to write stuff like this, but then again I never have this kind of stuff to write about. It's just a bunch of shit I'd love to say to the guy I spent most of the weekend with, having met him once six months before that. It's not important, just pisses me off.

Dear Guy,

You broke my heart in the span of a week. You hung out with my friends and told them how much you liked me, and yet yesterday you told me you met someone new. Who the fuck does that? You took advantage of the fact that I was several years younger and more innocent, and I believed you. At 18 years old, I would have expected that I, not you, would be the less mature one in that relationship. I'd never understood the game Dominion until you made me play it with you, and you know what? I didn't tell you, but I thought it fucking sucked. Sure, you learned how to play Cosmic so you could spend time with me, but for what? Maybe I wasn't sure I liked you until the end of the con, but that shouldn't be all it took to drive you away. If you'd actually cared, you would have tried harder than that. Fuck you. You didn't even go to college, so I'm going to go make something of myself now while you continue performing on street corners.